Interruptions

Last Friday I found myself sitting at the office gaining valuable insight into the intricacies of software certifications and trainings, when I received a text message from my buddy Jon.

Jon had recently (as in 12 hours earlier) purchased a season golf pass at the same course that I have one.

In his text message, he stated, "This golf pass is going to interrupt my productivity"

I responded, in regards to my own situation

"All this productivity is interrupting my golf pass."

Hungry?

So I found myself hungry today...as I do most days...and being the adventurous type when it comes to food, I found myself the target of two different marketing ploys by fast food giants of the industry.

For lunch, Rebekah and I took a trip down nostalgia avenue, and enjoyed the toss-back environment of skate-hops and drive ins with Sonic Drive In.

Apparently it is America's Drive In
At the hedgehog namesake restaurant, they were touting their new Ched 'R' Peppers SuperSonic Cheese Burger. This is a regular cheeseburger that has been spiced up with a Chipotle Mayo and had JALAPENO POPPERS added to the sandwich. How genius is that??

Of course I ordered it.

Then...later that day, I found myself hungry, yet again, (it happens 3 to 4 times a day...usually always after Noon). So I decided to head over to the Colonel's place
and try their new Double Down.

This is essentially a breaded and fried hunk of chicken, with a layer of melted cheddar cheese, a layer of bacon (because everything is better with bacon), and then another breaded/fried Chunk O' Chicken. No bread...no nasty vegetables to get in the way...just pure, unadulterated artery clogging bliss!

I ordered two...and a large side of mashed potatoes and gravy.

Life is good!

Guess Who Has A Girlfriend

I know I deserve a severe rebuking for my lackadaisical lethargy in blogging as of late...but I have a really good excuse. I have a girlfriend. No really...she is a living, breathing human being who is pretty darn fantastic.


And yes...she does know about it.

Back in February, I invited this girl out to lunch. We had met through an online dating site and, up to this point, had exchanged several e-mails getting to know a little bit about each other. I learned a long time ago that when meeting someone online, it is absolutely critical that you meet face-to-face as quickly as is comfortably possible if you want any sort of success in the relationship. If you prolong the meeting, both parties start to fill in mental gaps that may be in their image of the other person, and those "fillings" aren't always accurate, setting stage for a disappointment when reality brings them finally together.

That wasn't the case this time though. When she walked out of the building she worked in, and I saw her for the first time, my first thought was, "Wow...she is even better looking in person than her picture shows her to be." And her picture showed a very good looking girl.

Her name is Rebekah...with a K. She has two little girls, and they live in Lehi. She does accounting for a local software development firm, and she really like Oreo cookies.

I want you to imagine the nicest person you have ever met. That person that every time you see them, they sincerely want to know how you are doing...what you have been up to...and if there is anything that they can do for you. And you can honestly tell that this person is completely and unabashedly genuine in wanting to know.

Now take that and add a cup of sugar, and you have Rebekah.

Ok, I have waxed a bit cheesy here...but she really is an amazing girl, and things are going very well.

Though, there is one slight downside to all of this: I have been working on a book for the last several years, basically chronicling the exploits of being a "Menace to Society" as a single, jet-setting young man of marriageable age, who is sincerely struggling to erase his bane on the community well-being. However, being in a healthy relationship, all the passion, and vehement fury of bitterness that was fueling my writing, seems to have dissipated like a stain of breath on the window of life.

So my writing has plummeted....but she is a pretty good kisser, so it is worth it.

Other aspects of my life seem to be teeming in utter melancholy.
I beat Super Mario Bros. Wii, and have collected all but 3 of the Star Coins on all 9 levels.



My golf game is improving slightly.



I found a new author by the name of Vince Flynn, whose work I am thoroughly enjoying.



And most of all, I am enjoying the fact that at pretty much any given moment, I can be sitting at an In-N-Out Burger within 10 minutes or less.



Life is good.

What I've Done

Besides being the title to a fantastic Linkin Park Song:
"What I've Done" for the past month has been crazy nuts!

So I got home from England near the very end of January. Can I tell you how great it felt to be back on American soil, and not have the constant threat of near Arctic weather nor burly roughnecks looming overhead?

So the first thing that I did after taking a day or two to relax and unwind, was head down to California to visit a friend I care deeply about. She has recently had surgery, and I wanted to check on her and see how she was recovering.
I don't think she knows how much I care about her and want to do whatever I can for her...but I've never been very good at expressing things like that. Let's just say that she is one of my favorite people in the world, and I pray for her constantly.

(She understands this picture)
I flew back from Cali just in time for our annual Lifferth Family German Dinner! I love this gathering each year as we celebrate our heritage and the great men and women who went before us, and gave to us the blessings of the Gospel and freedoms that we enjoy. As always...it was a great time.

The day after the German dinner, a group of friends and I headed up north to Lava Hot Springs Idaho.

Who knew barely festering, active volcanos running shallow under the very ground we stood on, could be so fun?? If you've never been...make plans now! You never know when it is going to erupt and ruin all the fun.
Not having enough traveling done yet, as soon as I got back from Idaho, I started packing for the cousin trip to COZUMEL MEXICO!
I think this picture sums it up pretty well:

At the end of the first day, someone said we should just take that day and hit the "Repeat" button for the rest of the week. So we did. There will be more on this later.
And now I am home...packing once again for the annual Ruby's Inn retreat! This year's activities will include swimming, snowshoeing, sledding, shooting, softball (????) and many other activities...including Guitar Hero!

It's ok to be jealous.

Fashion Rules

There are many people who watched me growing up with my moon boot and hammer pants phases, that would shake your head and think, "There's just something not right with that boy."

Well, truth be told, when it came to fashion, I had a lot to learn.

However, I would like to think that over the last few years I have proven myself capable of flying solo on a clothing shopping trip...Despite the many times I would return home as a teenager and with great eagerness, exclaim to my sisters that I had successfully purchased clothes that would be accepted in even the highest of social cliques, and each time, having them say the same thing at the end of each showing, "Zach, you are not allowed to shop for clothes by yourself."

So it will come as a shock to many of you that I have actually had, on more than one occasion, perfectly sane people ask ME for fashion advice. I know...it's nuts.

But, feeling inspired and a bit ballyhooed, I have decided to give to the world my three rules on clothing and fashion. Any guy who adopts these rules into his shopping will always end up with a look that will turn heads...TOWARDS them, rather than away in shame.

Rule # 1 -

It's on a clearance rack for a reason.

Do NOT buy things on a clearance rack just because it is a good deal. Sure you may be able to clothe your body from the elements for a couple bucks cheaper...but those items are there because no one else wanted them. Don't buy them!

It is still possible to be frugal and look good. Just promise me you won't shop the Clearance Racks.

Rule # 2 -


If they don't have it in your size, don't buy it.

I don't care if you think you can pull off the baggy look or the tight look. Unless it was specifically designed for one of those two looks, and it is listed as your correct size, then don't buy it. A lot of people try to get away with buying something that is ALMOST their size. It's so close! Guess what? If you buy and wear it, you will ALMOST look cool...you will be so close!

In the end you either look desperate, or like you are wearing hand-me-downs, (which are perfectly fine as long as you are under the age of 10). Be willing to either look further for your size, or walk away from the choice and look for something else.

Rule # 3 -

If the mannequin is wearing it, so can you.

One of the greatest tools to buying clothes is the dummy standing there wearing the clothes. Stores WANT to sell clothing and they WANT to sell things that are hip and acceptable. They have a far better idea of what the general public is wearing than any one specific person, even if his name is Tommy Hilfiger.

When you are out shopping, take a look at what combination of clothing is out on display. This is especially effective when trying to match a tie with a shirt. These displays are put together by people who have studied and learned what goes with what.

Take no qualms with copying the exact outfit they have on display. This has never failed me, and it won't fail you either.

So there you have it. Zach's Rules of Fashion. I bet you never thought you would see the day.

It's Time

As many of you know, I have bandied about this country (and world) for quite some time...34 years in fact. After all of these travels and adventures and other whatnot worthy to be mentioned, (but won't be), I have decided that it is time for me to settle down and get married.

Ha ha! Just kidding...it's time to buy a house. Although...the marriage thing is something I am still pursuing. The only hitch with that is the fact that it is largely (as in 50% of the decision making), dependent upon someone else. I don't even know who that someone else currently is...let alone their interest level in an eternal commitment with me. But the adventures of learning that can be found at my new blog: www.whydatingstinks.blogspot.com, co-authored with my friend Paty.

But I digress...and should probably apologize for getting all of your hopes up. But do not give up on me getting married yet...I haven't.

In the meantime, I have decided that this summer, when my contract at my current apartment comes to a conclusion, that rather than renew once again with the lovely Harman Apartment Management Group, I am going to buy a house!

Not him.
One of these:

At that time, I also hope that Craig and Colter will know that they are personally invited to live there too.


In answer to your first, and most important question about my future home purchase, the answer is, "YES! I will be installing a Fire Pole."

For anyone with whom I have discussed home ownership will attest to, I have been a huge advocate of the Fire Pole for many years. In fact, I have but two things I WILL install into my abode as soon as the papers are signed.

1 - A Fire Pole

2 - A urinal

If the house is a single story with a basement, the pole will go between both floors. If I get a two-story house, with basement, you can be assured that the sliding goodness that is a fire pole will stretch all the way from the upper most story, all the way to the bowels of the basement.

But it MUST have a basement...as a single story fire pole, just doesn't have the same effect.

And what good standing male doesn't appreciate a urinal? Ladies...trust me...it will leave for a cleaner bathroom in the long run.

(You should have seen the images that came up when typing "urinal" into Google Images...oh wait...no you shouldn't.)

The other collection of gallimaufry knick-knacks and what's-its, will come along in time. Goodness knows I have pretty much everything required to furnish a home, from Projector for home theater, to milkshake machine for thick, delicious home-made milkshakes of whatever flavor you desire.

So the house will be well furnished.

The only encumbrance in this whole expedition to home ownership is...I have no idea what to do. I've never bought a house before. Sure, I have read books on it. I have read the World Wide Web with its many "www." pages. I have even been INSIDE of homes before...just to see what it is like in there.

But all this mortgage, ARP, Short Sale, Equity, Down Payment, "Former Meth Lab Check", is all about as foreign to me as...well...the experience of marriage.

Anyway...as with everything else I need to know in life...eventually I will either catch on, or buy The Complete Idiot's Guide to Purchasing Your First Home.

Oh wait...I already own that one.

But hopefully, sometime in July-ish or August, you will all be invited to my housewarming party in Provo...or Springville...or Payson...or Lehi...or somewhere in Utah County...or maybe Salt Lake County...but wherever it is, it will definitely have two stories...with a basement...or maybe it will be a rambler...yes, with a basement...with a yard...maybe a garage...and a dog...dogs come standard in homes, right? Should I look for a tub to be included? What about faucets? Outlets? It should come with a roof, right? The door should both open AND close? Will I need a vacuum? Or will a maid suffice?

Maybe I should research this a bit.

At A Loss

I find myself at a loss right now. This morning, my Mom called to let me know that her mother, my Grandmother, had passed away during the night. If pressed to put into words what my feelings were/are, I really don't think I could adequately describe them.

My Grandmother was an amazing woman. By far the greatest cook I have ever known. She has a recipe for rolls that is legendary. People across the nation have requested it as she shared the recipe with her children, they with their children, and then ten fold as these rolls started showing up at extended family gatherings and finally ward parties. And I don't blame them...they were really good rolls.

My Grandmother Byers was a tiny woman...but you didn't mess with her. She is the only one of my grandparents to ever hit me...and I was 25 or 26 at the time, easily almost a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier than her. My Mom and I were out there loading up a truck with some stuff to bring back, and she [my Grandmother] told me to make sure I helped my Mom unload the truck when we got back. I made an off-handed quip about being too tired and letting her do it on her own, and my Grandmother hauled back and smacked me. She had a good forearm.

She has also been heard to say about someone who was still asleep, that she is going to "jack him up".

I'm convinced that in her younger years she was a force to be reckoned with. She certainly was someone who stood her ground and voiced her opinion in her later years.

One thing we learned quickly as grandchildren was that she was GrandMOTHER, not Grandma, not Grams, nothing short of proper respect. However, even though she seemed a "stickler", through her actions, she earned the respect that she asked for.

My Grandmother was brilliant. I remember conversing with her on a wide variety of topics. Whenever we went to visit, she was always ready to talk with us about pretty much anything. I don't know why it sticks out in my mind, but one of my fondest memories was her telling us about the National Geographic Knowledge Bee. It was a competition for school kids to show off their knowledge, on a national level. Basically at the time, it was a "Jeopardy" for kids. She went on and on about how each winner had trained and studied.

I remember when the Olympics were in L.A., and the torch was carried across America, it happened to pass through Vernal, UT. I was staying with my Grandparents at the time and they took me to see it.

Her house was ALWAYS a house of order. Everything was always well-organized and clean. Even after the tornado that is grandchildren came through, everything thing seemed to be in its proper place.

One of the small things that I attribute to my Grandmother, is her introducing me to my favorite breakfast cereal of all time: Cracklin' Oat Bran. I remember the first time I ever had it was in her kitchen out in Dillon Colorado. It is still one of those foods that from the first bite, instantly transport me back to a more simple time.

She has been very ill for quite some time now. We have all known that this was coming. Perhaps that is why I am at a loss for words to describe how I feel. I've been preparing myself for this for awhile...and now that it has happened, I'm not sure how to react.

I was blessed with the opportunity to say good bye to her. On Sunday my Mom, my two brothers, Noah and Gabe, and my sister Bridgett and I, drove out to Rangely, CO where my Grandmother was staying at my Uncle Mark's. We had been told that it would be soon, so we all made a day trip out there and were able to visit with her for a few short hours. She slept most of the time, but we were able to see her awake...and she knew we were there. It was a special gift to be there that day.

My Grandmother was one of the greatest women to ever be born. She raised wonderful children and taught them correct principles. She supported her husband in all he did. She didn't voice it as often as other thoughts and feelings, but she lived the Gospel with everything she had to offer. She knew that our Savior lives. She loved her children and they knew it. She loved her grandchildren, and they knew it. She loved her great-grandchildren, and as well as they were able to understand...they knew it.

She was loved and she will be missed.

A Christmas Blog

T'was some days before Christmas, and I sit on a rig
All around me are machines, designed only to dig
The brisk North Sea air, across our faces does blow
At the top of the derrick, does a small red light glow

The light is there always, for airplane alerts
After three weeks of rig food, we all have the squirts
Now don't get me wrong, the food it's delicious
But Jello for every meal, can really be vicious

In my fortnight of time, plus a few extra days
that I've been in this place, learning the oil man's way
I've seen wind storms and snow storms, but not much of the sun
I've shuffled equipment, that weighs well over a ton

In the spare time that I've had, I've read and I've wrote
Some day I hope that my book, will be more than a note
I've also completed, all my Holiday shopping
From my friend Amazon, all gifts will be dropping

Though I've found that my enemy, is option "One Click"
Much too easily I purchase, it's simply too slick
But for all of my nieces and nephews and friends
I've tried to provide them from the latest of trends

Now since I've been out on this floating contraption
I've heard language no channel would even close caption
I've climbed up in the air, and came down with all limbs
Which isn't that easy with true gale force winds

Now, many a bloke has given me history lesson
They think we are wrong, at least that's what I'm guessin
From their point of view, in that Colonial War
They simply gave up, it was too much of a chore

They also harass about our foods greasy and fat
Because most of the cooking takes place in a vat
While true what they said, some creativity we lack
I pointed out the UK's top selling Big Mac

They went on about Presidents Bush and Obama
And why do we continue such world wide drama
He ranted on that we nothing ever contribute
That our answer to everything is show up and shoot

Now he may have a point from his mis-informed view
What could we give the world that is potentially new
Each idea that I offered, was taken and mocked
And he wanted to show it came from previous stock

And then I realized with a sincere wicked grin
I knew the Trump card that would forever this win
He could degrade us and knock us and tell us we stink
If that is what he believes, then so let him think

For America has given the world something great
Even he will admit this is top notch, and first rate
So he implored with his Anti-American Rage
What could possibly have come since the Colonial Age?

With a wink and a nod, and a Cheshire grin
My answer quite simply, completely stunned him
He could not compete, he no longer abhores us
When I reminded him that we gave him Chuck Norris.

Merry Christmas Everyone!